Song: “More Songs About Chocolate And Girls” by The Undertones
Mood: 6
Nightmares: 0
I’m still waking up worrying about something or other several times a night. I do, however, much prefer those nights to ones with nightmares. I’m still not able to get back to sleep once J leaves but that’s okay.
I did my exercise prep again today and it helped again. I started with light stretches (easy and light range of motion stuff), then sat down and followed along with the breathing exercise recording. The one that works the best for me is offered for free by a site called the Anxiety Disorder Association of Manitoba (ADAM), in Canada. The link to the page with the breathing exercise, as well as a muscle relaxation exercise (which I also find useful) and instructions is here.
After I’m done those two preparation steps, I get comfortable, make sure my headphones are in securely, the volume is at the right level, and then I turn on the beach sounds. Once they’ve been going for a minute or two and I’ve made any needed adjustments (the volume has to be high enough to block out some of the ambient noise but low enough that it doesn’t make concentrating difficult), I start working on my mindfulness and worry exercises.
It seems kind of like washing the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher, but preparing to relax before trying to relax seems to be doing the trick. Maybe things will change and I’ll be able to do my exercises without prep again sometime. I’m just happy I’m making some progress – I don’t feel right if my exercises go poorly or I miss them entirely.
I walked out to the mall again and paced back and forth through the parking lot twice before returning home. It’s not pleasant – the high temperatures aren’t helping, either – but I can do it. The next thing is to get into one of the stores and stay there for a bit without freaking out. After that, it’s being able to buy some groceries so I can take some of the load off of J. There’s also a gaming/comics/toy store in the mall that I would like to go to with FA one day. Might be able to find a game neither of us have heard of. But – one step at a time.
There was more construction going on down the street. I left the blinds closed to keep the sun out (it’s quite hot our) so I only had the occasional peek out the window to see what was going on but it was the same stuff as yesterday.
Speaking of the heat, I turned on the breakers and fired up the air conditioner today. At J’s suggestion, we got a new one last year. The old one “worked” in that it spun up and kind of took the heat off but when we got the new one, we couldn’t believe how well it worked. So, I fired it up and did my best to make sure that it was okay. I think it’s okay. It’s certainly blowing cold air. The bad news is that it immediately felt like it’s yet another thing that I can’t trust. I will try very hard to not end up sitting outside in the grass, staring at the air conditioner while it runs and expecting a catastrophic failure. It worked fine last year and it’ll work fine this year. I DON’T NEED TO CHECK IT.
I didn’t do any work with the microscope today but I plan to do some tomorrow.
My sister called today for our weekly Wednesday chat. She’s doing quite well – her car died when she was at work but it turns out that one of the kids left a light on while he was reading in the back seat, so it was nothing serious. Usually J and I send gifts to the kids for their birthdays but apparently they are both trying to save for something. One of them wants a tablet or something like that, so cash presents are enthusiastically accepted. I guess that’s just how things go but it’s kind of sad that they’re growing up so quickly and want big kid stuff now.
I lost my phone for a couple of hours today. Somehow it got stuffed under a pillow on the couch in the basement, and the ring tone was set too low for me to hear it when I called it and listened for it. Eventually, I sat down on the couch and saw a bit of red… and there it was. I felt kind of silly but that’s okay.
My Dr W appointment was hard today. Fortunately, I remembered to wear my fidget ring so I didn’t end up wringing a raw wound into my hand again. No medication changes today, and with me being able to walk to the mall and wander the parking lot for a bit without freaking out too badly, Dr W thinks there’s some improvement going on. I’m getting tired of feeling the way I’m feeling but it could always be so much worse. I keep coming across stories of people who are in such incredibly dire straits that it makes me want to count my blessings.
I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do but I’ve been taking a lot of pictures of the things I’m checking during the day. What I’m hoping is that seeing the pictures will help convince me that things are okay. I’m not sure how well it’s going to work, and now I’ve got a lot of dumb pictures on my phone like this:
I have an appointment with Dr P tomorrow afternoon. I am not looking forward to it but this will be the first appointment in almost a month and I have some questions for him. I’ll say it here again – therapy is not fun.
Aside from the appointment, I’m not sure what else I’m going to do tomorrow. I might go outside and hunt around for a different weed to chop up and put under the microscope. We’ll see.
Stay safe.