Anxious And Tired Today

Song: “Whizz Kids” by The Undertones

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

It took me a long time to get to sleep last night. I kept feeling like I was almost ready to nod off but I’d keep bouncing back to being wide awake and would start the cycle again. I woke up quite a few times worrying, too, and it took me a while to get back to sleep again. For whatever reason, I still can’t get back to sleep after J leaves for work. It’s not her fault – she’s very quiet and most days I’m already awake when her alarm goes off, anyway.

I think the short nights and interrupted sleep is starting to catch up with me. My exercises didn’t work out at all today despite me trying to restart them three times. I’ve been quite anxious all day, and that has impacted pretty much everything else I tried to do. I wonder if not taking the sertraline anymore is part of the reason why I’m feeling so tired – it had a stimulant effect on me when I first started taking it. Probably just a coincidence.

I spent a lot of time moving around the house and making sure things were okay. For whatever reason, the hot water tank is really bothering me. I ended up turning the downstairs bathroom faucet on hot for about 30 seconds and then went and stood in front of the tank to watch and listen to it go through its cycle. I got tired of standing there and sat down on the floor. I tried taking pictures and video of it but that didn’t seem to help. I don’t know how long I was standing/sitting there but it was probably around 20 minutes before something else started to bother me more than the tank and I went to check into it. I went back to the tank several more times during the day, and I seem to have incorporated it into my nighttime routine, which I think is not a good thing.

When J gets home, I immediately start to feel better. I don’t understand why, but for some reason I trust her when she says things are okay more than I trust myself when I’m standing and staring at something that is, in fact, okay.

No pantoprazole again this morning and I think I might just be able to feel the effects wearing off. Just a tiny bit of… something. Not heartburn, but a sensation where there hasn’t been one for the last couple of years. If it stays like this I’ll be able to handle it, no problem.

Mom called today and gave me an update on my uncle. He’s in good spirits but is apparently very easily tired. Eight weeks in a hospital bed with all kinds of hoses and needles and clamps will do that to you, I suppose. I think it’s very telling that he’s in good spirits, though – that’s really good.

It rained on and off all day today. Not a heavy rain, but I’d look out the window and the street would be wet, then look out 15 minutes later and it’d be dry again – that kind of rain. I didn’t go for my walk.

I’ve been reading that OCD book that J got me. I’m not very far into it, but it’s really quite good at explaining what goes on in my head and has examples that EXACTLY fit things that bother me. The book is big into doing stuff with ERP and that’s worked for me before. I am looking forward to showing it to Dr P and Dr W when I see them next.

When I wasn’t going back and forth in the house, I was sitting on the couch in the basement, listening to loud, upbeat music, and fiddling around with the key and beads that J made me and the little beanbag that her cousin made me, and I started thinking – I couldn’t be the only person who wrings their hands until they bleed when they’re nervous, so maybe other people could benefit from things like little beanbags.

That’s something I could potentially make on my own. I don’t have a sewing machine but the beanbags wouldn’t be that big and I have a lot of experience sewing (simple) things by hand. I could make some and give them to the psych ward so they can give them out to people who could use them. My hands aren’t as steady as they used to be but they don’t have to be perfect. Something to think about, I guess.

I hope I get a better sleep tonight. At least it’s Friday, so one more day until the weekend.

I think it’s supposed to rain again tomorrow.

Stay safe.

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