Anxiety Is Tiring

Song: “Poison” by Bell Biv DeVoe

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Had another short night last night. When I was asleep I slept well, but I woke up quite a few times for no reason. I remember waking up and checking the clock a bunch of times between 2 and 5AM.

After J left for work I started going about my day. It took me a little while to limber up – my back is still bugging me but it’s better than yesterday. I wonder if that’s what kept waking me up. Hmm…

Anyway, I did some web browsing and then headed downstairs to do my exercises. I was already starting to dread heading out to my Dr W appointment this afternoon, so they didn’t go as well as I would’ve liked – particularly the mindfulness work. I had lots to worry about, so that part went reasonably well.

I spent far too much time on the downstairs couch today. I kept telling myself, “ten more minutes and I’ll get up,” but ten minutes stretched into half an hour, then an hour, then a couple of hours. I wasn’t feeling down, I just couldn’t muster the motivation to do anything.

J came by at about 3:30 to pick me up for my appointment. I really didn’t want to go, but like I’ve said before, J makes doing stuff easier just by being around.

My appointment was difficult. It’s been a month since I last saw Dr W so the appointment was a little longer than usual. No medication changes this time, which is fine by me. He was happy to hear that I’m having fewer nightmares since we increased the prazosin. We also talked about the work I’m doing with Dr P and what I’m doing to keep myself busy.

He also asked about how long I’ve been having trouble with leaving the house. I’ve only had serious trouble with it since around Christmas, but once I thought about it I realized that it’s yet another thing that’s been bothering me since I was a kid. I don’t know how many times I drove around the block two to four times to confirm that the garage door was closed when I was going to work (it always was). I also remember being very upset more than a few times that I may have left my locker unlocked at school when I was on the bus going home (I never did). I’ve got tons of memories like that.

I need to work through this stuff quickly and at least get back to where I can go to the grocery store and contribute something instead of J doing it all.

We stopped at the grocery store near home on the way back so J could go in and pick up some of my medication and food for supper. I stayed in the car. By the time we got home, I was pooped. Trying to fight clenching every muscle and worrying about everything for a couple of hours is exhausting.

I have an appointment with Dr P tomorrow, but for a change he’s coming over here. While it will be great to not have to go out, he wants to open the garage door and/or turn on a stove element and/or open the freezer and/or any other OCD trigger, and just leave them so I get some exposure to them and ideally increase my tolerance to them. It will be interesting and I hope it works. Wish me luck.

Stay safe.

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