Anxiety And Guilt

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

For whatever reason, I have slept pretty well for the last few nights. No nightmares, and I’ve slept pretty solidly for most of the night. It’s been nice.

My exercises went okay over the weekend, too. Today I cut them a little short but that’s okay.

I’ve been doing my homework and filling in the sheets that Dr P gave me.

My mother-in-law came by yesterday evening and stayed overnight. The three of us had a good time chatting and the time flew by. She left this morning and headed over to her sister’s place. I’m glad she stopped in we had time for a good talk.

I got an email from a friend of mine from work. I hadn’t heard from her for quite a while and I was starting to wonder if she was okay. It was good to hear from her but unfortunately it sounds like she may have cancer (she’s had it twice before). I really hope it’s a false alarm – she’s a very good person and was always nice to me and always had a (sometimes really inappropriate but funny) joke ready or time to talk. I got in touch with her after DA gave me her email address last September, and I am glad I did.

That has reminded me that it was about this time two years ago when I became too ill to work. A couple of weeks later, I ended up in the hospital. I don’t remember the exact dates (and don’t really want to look them up).

So here I am – two years later. A lot of the time it feels like nothing has changed. I still have trouble answering the phone, still having panic attacks, still taking eight different medications, still in therapy, and still seeing my psychiatrist on a regular basis. It still takes significant effort to stop staring at the ceiling or wall and get out of bed in the morning, and my self-confidence is so poor that loading the dishwasher can seem like an impossible task. I still agonize over writing an email, and I’m afraid that every text I send is going to the wrong person, says the wrong thing, or will offend the recipient. J cut my hair last week because leaving the house is terrifying and incredibly difficult and I couldn’t get out to get my hair cut – a two minute drive away with a stylist who I have known and been very comfortable with for the better part of a decade.

I’m probably looking at this all with a skewed perspective because I’m not feeling that well right now. I’m anxious and feeling very guilty about everything. It’s been poking at me all weekend, but it really started to blow up this afternoon. All of the worry I’ve caused, the burden that I’ve put on people I care enormously about, all of the time and effort and patience people have given me, all the stupid things I’ve said or done since I was a little kid – I feel terrible for all of it. I know it’s not rational but like so many other things I can’t reason or logic my way out of it. I wish I could get everybody in on a conference call so I could apologize.

Writing this stuff down usually makes me feel a little better but tonight it’s having the opposite effect so I’m going to stop here.

Stay safe.

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