Another Difficult Appointment

Song: “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 3

Yet another night of interrupted sleeping but I’m doing well enough. Maybe I should try heading to bed earlier than usual to see if I can get more sleep. I’d rather stick to my schedule, though.

Today went reasonably well. I didn’t really accomplish all that much but I did get in my exercises. I think I’ve neglected to mention this in here but I’ve started doing burpees as part of my physical exercises. They really get my heart going and that’s the kind of thing that Dr W says is essential for working on depression.

J took some time off work today to take me to my Dr P appointment (thank you again). I was having difficulties before we headed out and it’s been hard to concentrate over the last couple of sessions so I took a PRN lorazepam before we left the house. Dr P wasn’t all that happy about it – experiencing the full anxiety while I’m away from hope will help me get acclimated to it – but I think I was speaking and listening a lot better today.

This week I will be doing ERP on two things: checking that the doors are locked at night and checking that the toilet has flushed. I will also go outside to somewhere I can no longer see the front door (probably back by the garage) and stay there for five minutes each day. Dr P and I worked on a whole list of goals last week and being outside for just five minutes is the first step.

J told me yesterday about something I’d heard of but had forgotten about. It’s called ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. There are probably thousands of ASMR videos on YouTube. Most of them have people speaking in very soft tones or using common household objects to make soft sounds, like crumpling paper. Some people find it very relaxing, and some can even feel their scalp start to tingle. When I was growing up I went to church every Sunday and at one point in the mass the priest washed his hands. The faint splashing that I could hear would make my scalp tingle and I never understood why until I heard of ASMR. I might search around on YouTube and see if I can find a couple of favourites that work well.

FA is coming over tomorrow at about lunch time. I’m looking forward to seeing her again but I’m also a little embarrassed about what’s been going on with me not being able to go out. She has offered to pick up burritos but there’s no way we can do our regular aisle crawl at the hardware store. Hopefully it won’t be too much of a problem, and hopefully it won’t take too long before I’m comfortable enough to go back there. Regardless, it’s been a long time since we’ve hung out so it will be a good time!

Stay safe.

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