A Rough Session Today

Song: “Taking Care of Business” by BTO

Mood: 5.5

I slept pretty well last night and only woke up for one nightmare. Today I was in a good mood but couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I flitted around the house like a moth, never staying in one place long enough to accomplish anything. I read, fussed at my electronics bench, stood in the kitchen for no reason, tried to do some writing, went outside to the garage, looked at my empty aquarium… if I’d been wearing my fitness watch, it would probably say I’d walked quite a distance today.

My session with Dr P today was quite difficult. We are trying to use EMDR to reprocess how I felt when I first went into the hospital. All that guilt, fear, and shame are quite a lot to thrash out and I left his office feeling drained and out of sorts. I hope that my mind just needs a bit of a break to let things settle and then it’ll be ready to do the EMDR again. I would really like to be able to get past it and not keep thinking about it every day.

In the meantime, though, I would like to say:

  • I’m sorry to J, all of my family, and my friends who I scared or let down when I ended up in the hospital.
  • I’m sorry to my co-workers that I let you down when everything was the pits.
  • J, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about seeing someone until it was already too late.
  • I’m sorry to my parents and in-laws that we had to change Christmas around so much last year.
  • I’m sorry to everyone who I rubbed the wrong way because of how I’d changed over the last five or so years.
  • I’m sorry to Dr C for crashing so badly when our work on OCD was going so well.
  • I’m sorry to Dr W, the nurses, and all of the hospital staff that I’ve taken up an already scarce bed in the hospital four times now.
  • FA and WG, I’m sorry that you have to drive everywhere when we get together.
  • DA, I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to race motorcycles yet.
  • I’m sorry to everyone that I’m not myself. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose.
  • I’m sorry to everyone for all the things that I’ve missed in this list.

Stay safe.

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