A Little Better Today

When I woke up this morning, I tried as hard as I could but I just couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there from about 7:00AM until I finally managed to get moving at about 12:30PM.

I felt awful. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and pretend I was invisible. I can definitely hear voices again. They’re not at the front of my mind, but they’re there, the same two as before, muttering abuse and demanding I provide some paperwork that I’d do if I were still at work. I don’t think I’ve been sleeping all that well lately; with luck, that’s what’s causing it and a couple of good nights will solve things.

I forced myself to go for a shower, then headed off to my Dr C appointment. It was very nice outside today, probably around 20C or so with blue skies and just the barest breath of wind. I drove with the air conditioning on all the way just to see how well it was working and it’s definitely fixed.

My appointment with Dr C was difficult at the start. I can’t really hide things from her – she’s able to see when I’m uncomfortable with something and she got how I was feeling out of me. I guess it’s good that she’s able to do that, but I sometimes find it difficult and unpleasant to talk about my feelings. After that, we worked on a “safe place” exercise where I focused on a place where I feel comfortable and happy and then do breathing and mindfulness exercises. Here’s my safe place:

I found the first time through quite difficult – I realized that I may never be able to physically go back there again – but the second time was quite a bit easier.

One of the things I find very interesting about therapy is that it can dig down past the level where I normally “feel” things and find other emotions or thoughts simmering below the surface. Poking at those emotions and thoughts can be very unpleasant but I find that I feel better after addressing them.

I left Dr C’s office feeling considerably better than when I’d arrived. Still not great, but better – and I’ll certainly take better over the same (or worse). Next week we’re going to really get into the EMDR stuff. I’m both dreading and looking forward to digging down into my psyche to find the various bad memories I’ve collected over the years and re-filing them properly so they don’t bother me as much.

Once I got home, I cranked up some good high-tempo music and read a couple of articles out of a motorcycling magazine that J picked up for me the other day (thank you!). I found I had the energy and brainpower to make supper so I started in on it and had it ready just as J got home.

I fell asleep on the couch after supper, which also makes me think I’m not sleeping as well at night. I am still having nightmares that wake me up and sometimes it’s a lot harder to get back to sleep – especially when my mind keeps hitting the EMERGENCY button when there’s nothing wrong.

This evening I need to tidy the house up a bit because FA is coming over tomorrow morning. I’m really looking forward to her visit, I have a lot of fun hanging out with her and going on capers.

So I think I can say that I’m feeling better than I have the last few days. I still don’t feel normal, but things are a lot better. I can live with that.

Stay safe!

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