I didn’t sleep very well again last night – spent far too much time in the dark worrying about things I have no control over (and some I do have some control over).
When I got out of bed this morning, I felt worn out, like an old lawnmower engine that’s hard to start and makes a lot of noise and smoke but doesn’t do much mowing. I had breakfast and went through my usual morning routine, just slower than usual.
I had decided yesterday that I was going to drive to my Dr C appointment today. I left the house, the truck started right up, and I headed out with plenty of time to spare. Still, I wasn’t feeling quite right – pretty unsettled. About a third of the way there, I started to feel pretty bad but figured that having my therapist’s office as a destination was pretty good luck.
I don’t think I was halfway there when things went badly. There were too many other cars on the road and I was arguing with myself over whether everything was okay back at the house, and despite knowing that things were okay and having taken pictures proving that things were okay before I left, there wasn’t any kind of reasoning I could use on myself that worked and the panic set in.
I pulled into a parking lot, put on some Undertones, and did what I could to try and get myself together, but unfortunately it was a bad one so I sat there sweating and gasping and shaking while school kids and customers walked by. I used my phone to send an email to Dr C to tell her I wasn’t going to make it to my appointment. Whenever things would ebb a little bit I tried to work in some grounding to try and tamp things down and be done with the horrible feelings quickly. It went on like that for almost 40 minutes, then a couple more where I did some test breathing and thinking to make sure things were done before I started the truck back up and went home.
I’m feeling pretty beat about the whole thing. I know that there will be ups and downs:
But things have been going pretty well lately and I guess I wasn’t… prepared/ready for/expecting a panic attack to hit me out in the open in broad daylight like that. I guess that panic attacks wouldn’t be so much “attacks” if you knew they were coming, but I’ve become quite a bit more comfortable in my little truck and it’s really discouraging that this happened. It was also very, very, very embarrassing to be sitting there with my whole body clenching and my head on the steering wheel while people wandered by. And I’m kind of angry that this is still happening, or that it happened to me at all. I swear to anyone who’ll listen that I promise I’ve been working on this stuff. Things have been a lot better lately! I don’t know why this happened.
I don’t know what’s going on tomorrow yet. I kind of hope that there’s nothing happening because right now I would really like to sit down and listen to some records.
I sent an email to Dr C while I was stuck in the parking lot, and she replied very quickly and was very understanding and supportive (although I don’t think I actually read her reply until I got home). I know she’s a therapist and therapists aren’t supposed to be mean and demanding, but I appreciated it a lot.