Song: “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 1

Ghosts: Several

The weekend was good but it went by a little too quickly. We had some pretty good weather, and I spent some time outside enjoying the air and puttering around a little bit. Saturday in particular was beautiful, with a deep blue sky with nothing but a faded moon interrupting it. I took a couple of pictures, none of which really show just how blue the sky was:

Blue skyWe’ve had lots of animals in the back yard, too. Rabbits, squirrels (which are no longer welcome because they’ve been devouring the bird seed), and lots of different birds like chipping sparrows, juncos, blue jays, robins, crows, and a bunch I haven’t been able to identify yet. Pretty neat.

My Dr C appointment was alright. One of the things that frequently amazes me about Dr C is that she remembers all kinds of things that I mention. She’ll often reference something that I said a few sessions ago, a few months ago… even a few years ago. I don’t know how she does it, but it’s impressive. I’m pretty sure I’m not her only patient, so where does she get the brain space to remember all that stuff about all her patients? I’ve asked her a couple of times and she just smiles and says, “part of the job”.

One of the things that came up during the appointment, though, is that it’s becoming apparent that I’m slipping in several areas. I’m not worrying about things like the freezer or stove (thank goodness), but I’m getting stuck on the doors again, having some more nightmares, and experiencing more panic attacks. My sleep is all over the map again, but I’m not falling asleep on the couch (or at the dining room table now), which is good. J and I talked a bit about this stuff today, and she mentioned that she’s noticed I’ve been more concerned about things again too

I’m also feeling much more reluctant to leave the house, which bothers me a lot because of how well things were going just a few months ago. It’s easy for me to joke about having to self-isolate or whatever, but I don’t like feeling that I really shouldn’t go outside. I still haven’t started up my motorcycle this year, haven’t done any welding… haven’t even had the truck out for weeks now I think. Not that there’s a lot of stuff that I should be doing or want to be doing, but I don’t like the feeling of dread settling on my shoulders again when I’m thinking about going out.

Speaking of going out… I’m still scheduled to get that minor surgery on my elbow done on Friday. I’m excited about getting it done, but I wish they could come and do it here. Even out in the back yard or something – get some good sunlight, everyone gets some fresh air, we could have some iced tea and do up some hot dogs on the BBQ, maybe some fruit salad and potato chips – everyone could go home after a nice relaxing operation.

Part of the problem is that with all the precautions being taken by the hospitals around here, J won’t be able to come into the hospital with me and instead will drop me off at the door and then pick me up when I’m fixed. As I’ve said about fifty thousand times in my posts here (and will continue to say), J makes everything so much easier just by being around and being herself. Yes, I’m a big boy, and yes, things will get done and work out fine, but this has me nervous and gives that part of my brain that wants to curl up in the basement ammunition when the rest of me argues with it. But yes, I know it will be fine.

I’m also having trouble with what’s been going on in the news. The magnitude and breadth of the current issues makes it impossible to avoid hearing or reading about it, and I’m finding it hard to keep from dwelling on it and trying to figure out how it should be fixed. I need to keep my hands and brain busy with other things like tasks or hobbies… which will be more difficult if I need to keep from using one of my arms after Friday. We’ll see what happens.

I hope you are all well and safe. Take care of yourselves and make sure to tell your family and friends that you care about them.

Stay safe.

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