Another Step, Some More Homework

Song: “Mr. Sandman” by The Chordettes

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

The last couple of days have been pretty good. It’s been a lot cooler out, anywhere around 12-15C out with a breeze and overcast. That’s pretty much my ideal “summer” weather, and I took advantage of it, spending a couple of hours outside on Monday doing yard work and playing around with our new leaf blower/sucker. It worked pretty well, but after an hour or two, it felt like it was getting heavier and heavier. Our garden is just about finished for the year, but the sunflowers are starting to bloom! They’re really small but they still look pretty happy:

SunflowerWe had some rain Monday night and some water got into the basement. Not a lot, just a little puddle at the edge of one of the walls, but it kind of freaked me out. Thoughts of sewer backups and clogged weeping tile drains had me tiptoeing around with a flashlight and tools while J slept, until I was finally satisfied we weren’t going to wake up to a poonami or turdalanche in the basement in the morning. Turns out the problem was that the tubing got disconnected from the downspout and rain was being poured right against the foundation. So, a bit alarming but an obvious cause and easy solution.

My nephew got his first phone last week and I got the go-ahead from my sister to start sending him texts. It’s been pretty fun chatting with him sending him silly animal videos, and I am really enjoying being able to keep in touch with him. Since travelling to go visit him isn’t really possible for me right now, at least I’ll be able to text with him regularly and say hi.

Dr C and I have been working on the getting out of the house and driving stuff for quite a while now. Back in May I drove to my first Dr H appointment ever, and just last week I drove to my first Dr C appointment in a year and a half, both of which were difficult and awesome at the same time. Another piece of homework Dr C had given me was to go and pick up some groceries (other than walking to the store down the street). Well, Monday night I put in a grocery order online, and yesterday afternoon I got in the truck and went and picked it up:

Picking up groceries!Everything was going alright, except when a couple of fire trucks and an ambulance went wailing by, which always gets me a little antsy. Then, when I was on my way home, someone decided they REALLY wanted to turn left so they turned into oncoming traffic, straight at me. Did this kind of stuff happen all the time when I was driving regularly and I was just used to it, or am I a magnet for weird stuff now?

Anyway, I got home safe (and mostly sound) and made some improvised faux-pulled BBQ chicken sandwiches for supper. In addition to feeling pretty good about getting out and getting the groceries, it was really good to be able to surprise J and take a bit off her workload by doing the groceries, and I have enough stuff to have supper ready when she gets home from work for the rest of the week!

This afternoon I have a Dr W appointment. J’s got a lot of stuff going on at work and despite my recent successes I don’t think I can drive myself there, so J’s aunt has volunteered to drive me around. It’s really nice of her to offer to do that again, and aside from the fact that I’m going to see my psychiatrist, I’m quite looking forward to the car ride and talking with her. She’s an interesting and very nice person.

At this point it looks like FA will be coming over again on Friday! We’re going to eat delicious, wonderful burritos, and work on her project again some more. I’m really looking forward to it – I always have such a good time hanging out with her!

Stay safe.

So… Busy Day

Song: Main Theme From Lazy Jones (Commodore 64 Game) by David Whittaker

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

I’ve already mentioned the big things that went on today, so I’ll keep this to BULLET POINTS:

  • I DROVE TO MY DR C APPOINTMENT TODAY!!! ALL THAT WORK AND SWEAT IS PAYING OFF!!!
  • The appointment was a little more difficult than normal, though, because I was worrying about whether I’d locked the truck, parked in front of a fire hydrant, backed over some pet or their owner… not altogether surprising but that’s okay.
  • Had a good chat with my folks.
  • Spent a lot of time writing (that Twitter thing was eating at me – I started writing that post last night).
  • Tinkered with some electronics, the crappy patch job I did yesterday is still working.
  • Tried out the SDR upconverter, had no idea what I was doing but I found a very faint station that was in what I think was Spanish.
  • Did some cleaning.
  • Looked up types of winter bird feed.

FA is coming over tomorrow, it’s going to be great!

I drove myself to my appointment, woohoo!!!

Stay safe.

Had To Get That Off My Chest

J pointed out that my previous post reads much differently than what I usually write. I agree – usually I’m not that irked about something (although the “stupid YouTuber in Japanese forest” incident was pretty close), but for whatever reason, those Twitter messages really got my goat and I didn’t want to sit around and stew over it.

Sorry for the swearing (don’t tell my mom).

Stay safe.

Seriously? Come On, Dude…

Trigger Warning: this post may contain content that can trigger a shift in mood, comfort, or mental status. Proceed at your own risk.

NOTE: This post contains swear words. Sorry about that, but I couldn’t find any other words that properly articulated what I wanted to say.

Why do some people assume that having a mental illness, disability, or not being neurotypical automatically makes someone’s opinions, thoughts, or dreams invalid? Are they under the impression that people with a “condition” aren’t able to string together coherent thoughts? Or is it that they think that people with a “condition” can think, but just not well enough to be able to make sense of the information and world around them and properly comment on it? Or is it that they think that “those people” think… I don’t know… wrongly?

Why is this? Why is it such a big deal when someone has a neurological or developmental or mental disorder?

I’m guessing here, but I think that sometimes it’s as simple as discomfort. You know how some people get all weird and don’t know where to look when someone in a wheelchair is nearby? That kind of discomfort. They don’t know what to say or what to do, and in their efforts to try and not act strangely, they end up acting really strangely even though the person in the wheelchair is still a human being who has dreams, desires, and fears – just like them.

Maybe it’s because we’re conditioned. Thanks to movies and TV shows (and history), anybody with “problems” gets rounded up by men in white coats, strapped into chairs in old brick buildings with bare walls, white sheets, and very harsh fluorescent lighting. Forced injections, lots of screaming, people rocking back and forth in a corner, electroshock… that sort of stuff.

It could be fear. The gunman who shot up a restaurant. The woman who pushed kids onto subway tracks. The guy who blew up a building. That kind of stuff makes the news, and it seems that the knee-jerk reaction is to assume that someone who commits a horrible act has to have a mental or developmental or neurological disorder. Nobody hears about the mechanic down the street with Down syndrome, or the autistic lady who runs a daycare, or the kid with dissociative identity disorder who saved the sick puppy he found on his way home from school.

It could also be that someone’s just being an asshole. Twitter is truly the most horrible place on the Internet, but some people seem to go out of their way to stand out. Take the recent Twitter posts by Maxime Bernier, a Canadian politician and leader of the PPC, a federal political party. I don’t like talking about politics or politicians, but this particular set of posts made me angry:

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostOkay, I see what you’re saying. Greta Thunberg is a 16 year old Swedish girl who has been getting a lot of attention lately for her work raising awareness of climate change. The climate change debate is a very hot topic, and there are people ringing alarm bells on both sides. “…to give up our freedoms and way of life” might be a bit much, but I see what you’re saying.

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostThe 16 year old has an agenda. Agreed. I also have an agenda. So does my mother-in-law. So does the old Japanese fellow who fixes watches at the repair place down the street. Everybody does.

I’m not as cool with the second part of this particular tweet, though. It reminds me of the kind of catastrophizing I do when my OCD is hitting me really bad, like when I’m scared that the kids next door will die because I left the freezer lid open. Take a few breaths, try some grounding [https://www.samplesizezero.com/grounding/], give your therapist a call.

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostI’m no political expert and can’t really comment on the first part, but I didn’t know Ms Thunberg is autistic. I’m going to look that up.

Huh. Interesting. Oh well, no big deal… right?

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostWow. Okay, now you’re just being an asshole. I’m guessing you Googled her, found a Wikipedia page, and then wrote down the things that you thought would stand out. I assume by “mentally unstable” you mean that she can’t possibly be thinking properly, right? You forgot the “selective mutism” part, by the way.

I’m not sure why you point out that “she wants us to feel the same” because you also want people to feel the same as you do, right? Isn’t that kind of the thing behind people arguing over something? To get others to see things their way? Isn’t the whole point of a political party to get enough people to feel the same as you do so they’ll vote for you? Come on, man…

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostThis is a 16 year old kid who wants to save the planet. Didn’t you want to change the world when you were a kid? Wait a second… didn’t you start your own political party because you didn’t win the Conservative leadership and you think everyone else should follow your plans instead of the guy who more of your colleagues voted for?

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostNo shit your concern is not for Greta Thunberg’s feelings. Hopefully she is either ignoring you or has never heard what you’re spewing. Oh, and the whole “if we let her and the movement she represents” thing? She’s a 16 year old kid from another continent – how is she (and the movement she represents) going to impose her will on everyone? I agree that our political system is far from perfect, but we do have elections where the citizenry chooses which party most closely aligns with their own values.

Instead of slagging the kid for her views and telling people not to listen to her, why don’t you present your own message and build your following that way?

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostI just did some checking – far from exhaustive, I’ll grant you, but I did not find any articles that mention that the frequency of childhood suicides has increased because of Ms Thunberg’s climate activism.

I did, however, find several articles that show a clear link between bullying and suicide. Just in case you’re wondering about the bullying part, it could be something like some kid pushing another kid around on a playground… or an adult in a position as a person with an audience (like, say, the leader of a political party) who ridicules people online, or calls them a menace, or claims they’re mentally unstable.

Maxime Bernier Twitter PostYou’re right – whether Greta Thunberg is being manipulated is definitely her and her parents’ problem.

Extending that argument a bit, anyone who is influenced by Thunberg’s words and actions should be responsible for how those words and actions influence them. You have a voice and want to influence other people – why should she not be allowed to? Do you not trust people to be able to think for themselves?

As for the second part… I’m at a bit of a loss for what to say here, other than stating that a 16 year old “should be denounced and attacked” – no matter how you meant it – makes you look like a whiny, scared little prick. Did you get all bent out of shape when Malala Yousafzai came through with her message of human rights? She had brain damage from when those thugs tried to murder her, you know. She probably wasn’t thinking properly either, right?

Back in the day, I was taught that if I was to get into a fight, I should try to fight the biggest, meanest looking person as possible. That seems like bad advice, but consider this: there’s always a chance I could beat that big monster dude, and if I did, people would be pretty amazed and I would walk/limp/stagger away as a hero (yes, I was stupid when I was younger). Sure, the chances were pretty good I’d end up wandering around with a baggie full of my own teeth, but that’s the risk. I could, however, pick a fight with the 93 year old paraplegic with the oxygen mask. I’m almost certain I could kick her ass, but I’d probably look like a bully and a boob for picking a fight with a 93 year old paraplegic with an oxygen mask. On the off-chance that she won, though… well, I’d look pretty goddamn pathetic.

Maxime Bernier, able-bodied and well-educated man of 56 years, picked a fight with a 16 year old who is, in his own words, “Not only autistic, but obsessive-compulsive, eating disorder, depression and lethargy, and she lives in a constant state of fear.”

He lost.

And he looks pretty goddamn pathetic.

Stay safe.

WHOLLY PHOHCH

I did it… had to change into a fresh set of clothes when I got home, but I DID IT. It’s been a year and a half since I was last able to drive to Dr C’s office.

Things could change again tomorrow but for now, I’m pretty pleased (and a little embarrassed that I feel like it’s such a big deal).

Stay safe.

It’s Been A Couple Of Days…

Song: “Strutter” by KISS

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Pack

Sorry I haven’t done any posts for the last few days. I think it was a combination of being tired, thinking really hard about some stuff, and time getting away on me. Things have been fine (although today was really frustrating, more on that in a bit) and I’m doing alright. Let’s see, what’s happened over the last couple of days…

FA and DM came over on Monday afternoon around four-ish. For whatever reason, I had a panic attack shortly before they arrived, so J ran interference and took care of things until I’d calmed down and had towelled off most of the flop sweat. I don’t know why it happened, but I could feel myself winding up (which happens), and then it was almost like I could hear a tree branch break and some kind of monster fell on me. Jeebus, I hate panic attacks. If anyone reads this and has the power to do so, I will happily have five more kidney stones than one more panic attack. Seriously.

Anyway, the PRNs, breathing, and grounding did their job, and the timing worked out pretty well so I don’t think I was missing from the party for too long.

The visit was great – we talked about all kinds of stuff, ate pizza, and talked some more. I thoroughly enjoy it when the four of us get together, regardless of whether we’re inside shooting the breeze or doing some kind of manual labour outside in the sun. When DM mentioned that they should probably be heading out, I was gobsmacked that it was almost 9PM. It was a very good visit and I hope we get together again soon!

One of the things that we talked about was DM and FA’s plans to move – I think I mentioned it briefly a little while ago. It turns out things didn’t work out so they’re staying put for now. I won’t lie and say I’m not happy about that, but I don’t like it when friends or family are really hoping and planning for something and it falls through – particularly when it’s not because of a lack of effort or bad luck/timing/whatever, but because someone deliberately gets in the way. My mom always says things like, “I’m hoping for the best thing to happen,” which normally makes me roll my eyes, but I think I’m starting to understand what she means.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time playing around with my little EKG Arduino module. I’d tinkered with it a while ago and wasn’t very pleased with the results, so I did some research into what different kinds of noise in an EKG look like and how to reduce or eliminate them. I rewired everything, shortened everything, and used some aluminum duct tape to make a ground plane under the whole thing. The result was pretty good:

EKG from Arduino module

Eight out of ten doctors say that having a pulse is a useful indicator of “aliveness” (actual medical term).

On longer samples (60-120s) there’s still a downward spike every once in a while – I’m pretty sure it’s noise. I suppose it could be me but I’m not dead… so yeah, it’s probably noise.

I speed-watched through another end-of-the-world movie called The Darkest Dawn. It wasn’t bad at all (particularly with a $40k budget and only 12 days of shooting) but there were two parts that kind of bothered me, and I’m still trying to figure out what happened at the end. Apparently TDD is the second movie set in the same world and the first one does more world-building and puts some stuff in perspective. Still – for a low-budget alien invasion movie, it wasn’t too shabby.

Today was PARCELPALOOZA! For the last week or so, J and I have put in various orders for things, and four parcels arrived today. Very exciting! Everything from CPAP machine filters, to SDR parts, to parts for a new project that FA and I are working on. It was like Christmas, but warm enough to spend more than 2 minutes outside in shorts.

One of the things that arrived was a USB to serial converter. I’d been waiting for it for a while because I have a couple of cheap but interesting microcontroller/camera/wifi devices that I couldn’t program. So… I spent the afternoon playing with converter and the microcontrollers. To be more correct, I should say that I started the afternoon playing with them, then I argued with them, then I took off the gloves and fought with them. I think I was more frustrated this afternoon than I have been in quite a long time. I could not get them to connect to the wifi. It didn’t help that the documentation that’s out there is far from complete. Anyway, long story short – I wrecked both of them, did a pretty bad looking patch job, and now they’re both working.

Whoo… just thinking about that stuff is making me tense up again.

J’s got a lot of stuff going on at work nowadays. Sounds like there are more dark clouds on the horizon, and some of the people she works with are wandering around blindly, unaware that anything is going on. I don’t envy her the stuff she has to put up with right now but I’m proud of her for how well she’s doing it. Plus, she hasn’t kicked me in the face when she gets home from work (yet), and I appreciate that, too. I hope that whatever’s going to happen just happens so it’s done and over with and she can figure out what she needs to do and move on. Fingers crossed…

FA is coming by on Friday for a burrito lunch and to work on her new project. There’s one more shipment that has a couple of parts we need so I really hope it gets here in time, but it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t. We have no shortage of things to talk about or tinker with. I’m really looking forward to it!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr C. I want to drive there myself. I’d planned to go out and give the truck a once-over today, but with banging my head against the wall for four hours I lost track of time. My appointment is at noon, so it would be great if I had enough time to go over the truck in the morning and maybe drive around a bit before I headed to my appointment. It would be really, really good (for a lot of different reasons) if I could get out there and drive to my appointments. I will let you know how it goes!

Stay safe.