A Letter To Myself

When I had emerged from a nasty low last year, Dr C encouraged me to write myself a letter to read when I was stuck in a rut again and having a rough time. My first effort came across as way too glib and saccharine, so I made another attempt some months later. It was quite a bit better but I think it was still off the mark.

Since I just clawed my way out of a rough rut and am feeling pretty good, I figure that this would be a good time to write myself another letter. Maybe I’ll hit all the right chords this time. Here goes…

 

Dear Mark,

I’m writing this to remind you that things are going pretty well right now. Your medications and therapy are doing the trick and you’re feeling good.

You were stuck on the couch for quite a while there, and it was really tough to do anything. Even simple things like brushing your teeth felt out of reach on some days. Remember when you’re having days like that that it’s not your fault or you being lazy, it’s the illness talking.

Keep in mind how much better you felt on the days when you’d go for a walk. Not only did you get some exercise, you got outside and off the property and pushed your comfort zone a little bit. Even the days when you sat in front of the computer or electronics bench, things were better.

Hanging out with friends is really important, too. Getting together with DA or going to the record store with WG is fun, and hanging out with FA is always a treat with a bunch of laughs built in. Plus, the trips to the hardware store get you on your feet and out of the house, too.

You’ve got family all over the country who care about you and want you to feel better. Your parents, sister, uncles and aunts, in-laws – everyone is just a phone call, text, or email away and they’ll always take time to talk if you’re feeling down.

You’ve got the best wife in the world. She’s your best friend and your coach. She makes you laugh, she dries your tears, she understands and encourages you, and she’ll stick with you through anything – she’s already proven that. You’re a very lucky guy.

Somehow, you’ve managed to luck into a great group of professionals, too. Dr C, Dr P, and Dr W are all fantastic and you’re always less than a week away from your next appointment. If you have to go back to the hospital for a tune-up, you can – and the staff there is fantastic, too.

Family, friends, professionals… there are so many people who want nothing more than for you to feel better. You have a great support structure in place – don’t be afraid to use it.

When you’re feeling down, remember your mindfulness exercises and try to stay active. You’ve been through rough patches before and have always made it out the other side – remember that.

Take it easy,

Mark

It’s Friday Again

Song: Theme from Knight Rider, by Stu Phillips

Mood: 8

Nightmares: 0

Today has been another good day. I think I can finally say for sure that I’m out of that rut I was stuck in, and it feels great!

I slept pretty well again last night. I’ve been having very few nightmares and very few bad dreams for the last few days, which makes getting up in the morning a lot easier.

This morning after I had breakfast I did my mindfulness and worry exercises and then did some work cleaning up the kitchen. Our kitchen has a very strange layout, with very little contiguous countertop space to work in so it gets messy really easily.

This afternoon, FA stopped by and we had a short but good visit. We didn’t have time to go to the hardware store but it was great to see her again and we laughed a lot.

After FA left, I headed off to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I tried to balance everything out so they all expire at about the same time but I don’t think the pharmacy gave me the right numbers of each medication. Hopefully it’ll be close at least.

After I got home I listened to a couple of records and then had supper.

I had a headache that got worse throughout the day until I finally gave in and took a Tylenol. It kicked in half an hour later and I could feel the headache evaporate like fog on a sunny day.

Since J isn’t home this weekend, I’m going to break out my cheesy ’80s TV shows. Tonight is a Knight Rider marathon:

Fortunately, I’m in the right frame of mind to remember how much I enjoyed this stuff when I was a kid and, 35 years later, enjoy it again. I don’t care what anyone says – I think that old Trans-Am still looks sharp. One thing I don’t understand about the show (and I didn’t understand it when I was a kid) is why they use a bajillion dollar supercar to bust motorcycle gangs and local thugs in small towns. The A-Team did the same thing. It’s like Superman ignoring a giant robot invasion to chase purse snatchers and graffiti artists.

Oh, it feels good to be back on my feet again. I keep saying that but it’s really true. I know there will be more downs, but after each of them will be another up.

Have a good weekend!

Stay safe.

Another Decent Day

Song: “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath

Mood: 7.5

Nightmares: 0

I slept very well last night. I don’t know what (if anything) has changed but I’m not complaining. I woke up this morning feeling pretty well. I did my mindfulness and worry exercises and toyed around with some electronics again.

I went for a short walk this afternoon before my appointment. Aside from being a little gusty it was quite pleasant out.

My appointment with Dr P this afternoon went well but was a little difficult at times. We’re back to working on ACT and today we were going over personal values and how I see myself. I think part of my problem is that I set impossibly high standards for myself and then feel terrible when I fall short.

There are also some scenarios where I set myself up to feel bad regardless of the outcome. For example, my dad offered to come out this weekend and help me do some projects around the house. I really appreciated the offer but I declined. Part of me feels guilty that I don’t see my family enough, but if I’d said yes, I would’ve felt guilty that Dad would’ve spent half the day driving just to come out here.

Just writing that out bothers me. I feel like an ungrateful kid.

After my appointment I went home and J and I had supper. We spent a lot of the time talking. It was good to just sit there and chat for a while. We didn’t even talk about anything particularly complicated, it was mostly how our days were. J is going to be away this weekend. I will miss her but I really hope she has a good time.

I’m getting together with FA tomorrow afternoon. I’m not sure what we’re going to do yet – maybe a trip to the hardware store – but I’m sure it will be interesting.

For the weekend, I have a lot of things I can do but no concrete plans yet. I think I’m going to put aside some time to sit in front of the TV and watch a couple of movies. I think it’s supposed to be pretty nice out so I may spend some time outside, too. Maybe I’ll go for a drive and see if I can push my comfort zone out a little farther from home. I haven’t done that much lately.

I think the changes in medication that Dr W made are catching up with me (in a good way). It’s good to be able to say that things are still getting better!

Stay safe.

Very Icy Out Today

Song: “Hello Mary Lou” by the Statler Brothers

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

The melted snow turned to ice overnight, making the roads pretty treacherous. J decided to take the bus instead of driving, and I don’t blame her one bit.

I slept pretty well and don’t remember having any nightmares, which is really nice. I’m not a big fan of waking up in a panic, trying to figure out where I am.

My morning started out pretty slowly. I stayed in bed for a while, enjoying the weight of the blankets and thinking about what I was going to do today. I went outside for a short time, then came back inside to have something to eat and take my medication.

It was particularly easy to fall into my mindfulness exercises today. Most days it takes me a little while before I can focus on them and stop my mind from jumping all over the place, but today was a little different. It was pleasant.

Since J took the bus to work, she wasn’t able to drive me to my Dr W appointment. I gave his office a call, cancelled, and made sure we’re on for next week. We’re on for next week. I don’t mind – I’m feeling a lot better than I was and I’m not in any kind of crisis, so everything’s okay.

This afternoon I spent some time trying to get Lloyd to follow my finger around but he seems to be more afraid of it than anything. I also played with some electronics and did a load of laundry.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this evening. I expect there will be some Community watching but other than that, I don’t know.

Stay safe.

Today Flew By

Song: “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 1

I slept pretty well last night. I woke up quite a few times but it didn’t take me long to get back to sleep. Only one nightmare, though, which was nice.

The day went by very quickly. I wasn’t particularly busy but I didn’t sit around for the whole day, either.

I went for a walk again today. It was quite warm out so everything was a mess but I managed to avoid getting splashed. I still find it difficult to force myself to leave the house and I’m anxious when I’m away, but it’s good for me to be outside. I’m in terrible shape, too, so getting in some walking is good.

After I got home from my walk, I had lunch and then listened to some records. It felt good to just close my eyes and let the music wash over me. Some of the music was pretty cheesy but that’s part of the fun.

I worked on the homework that Dr P gave me, too. It’s the material about values that we started quite a while ago but put on the backburner because I was having a rough time. I’m glad we’re getting back into ACT. I don’t think it’ll work for everything but it’s a good tool to have in my mental health toolbox.

I also did some more reading and just about finished the book on ACT that Dr P lent me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr W. I expect it will go well, and depending on how well it goes I may see if we can bump things back to every two weeks. I know he’s a psychiatrist and his job is to help people but I still worry that I take up too much of his time. At the same time, I worry about having too long of a gap between appointments.

I can’t believe tomorrow is going to be Wednesday already.

Stay safe.

 

Slept Through My Alarm

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 2

I was supposed to get together with WG this morning to go record shopping but I slept through my alarm this morning. I hope he’s not too upset about it – I was really looking forward to going.

I kept pretty busy today. I guess the main thing was that I went for a walk. Not a huge one, just out to the local grocery store while keeping track of how I was feeling. The farther I got from home, the more anxious I became about leaving the door unlocked or the stove on or garage door open. I was able to do the walk, though, and after peaking, the anxiety started to drop.

I also replaced a piece of the couch where the fabric had torn. That only took a couple of minutes because the bolt holes lined up very nicely.

The workshop is still a disaster so I spent some time in it, trying to tidy up the clutter. It doesn’t look like I made a difference at all but I tried. What I really need to do is clear the bench by throwing everything on it into a box and then put the stuff in the box away piece by piece without putting it back on the bench.

I spent some time writing today, too. It felt good – the words came to me quite easily for a change. When that happens, I find writing to be nice and relaxing.

I did some of the homework that Dr P had assigned me a while ago. Now that I’m not in rough shape we’re going to go back to working on the ACT material.

This evening I’m doing a load of laundry. J has been doing the vast majority of it since I’ve been feeling down, and I really appreciate her stepping in and doing it – if you read this, thank you very much!

My medications are all messed up. I have four days’ worth of some, five weeks’ worth of others, and the rest are all somewhere in between. I counted out all of my pills, did the math, and then gave the pharmacy a call to see if we could balance everything out. With luck, everything will be worked out by mid-week.

I’m afraid to say anything but I’m feeling a lot better than I was a week ago. I’m still not where I want to be, but things are so much better than they were. Thanks to everyone who was patient with me and who helped me get through the slump!

Stay safe.

The Weekend Went Fast

Song: “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive

Mood: 6.5

Nightmares: 1

Last night was the first good sleep I’ve had in a couple of weeks. It took me a while to get to sleep but once I was there, I slept pretty well. I hope that the same thing happens tonight.

This weekend was fine but went by entirely too quickly. I didn’t accomplish a whole lot but did do some puttering around the house and did my mindfulness and worry exercises.

My OCD is still bothering me a little more than usual. One of the areas where I feel like I’m slipping is in making sure the keys are on their proper hooks at bedtime. Another area is that I’m very worried that the truck isn’t locked properly. I can look out the window and press the lock button and watch the lights flash, but it’s not enough to convince me that everything’s fine. I hope that if my sleep continues to get better the OCD will back off a bit.

My winter parka has a broken zipper. While I was sleeping today, J went out to the store and picked me up a new one, which was really nice of her. She’s always going out of her way and doing things for me. I’m a very lucky guy.

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to get together with WG to go to the record store again. I’m looking forward to it. You never know what gems will be hiding in the dollar bin!

Stay safe.

Tired But Good

Song: N/A

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

I’m still having trouble getting a good sleep and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the increase in my venlafaxine dosage or maybe it’s something weird like the change in weather. Or anything. Whatever it is, though, I hope it clears up quickly.

As far as my mood goes, things continue to improve. I no longer feel like everything is impossible. Things can be difficult, but not impossible. I still want to sit on the couch but it’s a lot easier for me to accomplish other things so I’m not spending my entire day there.

I got together with FA today. She came over around 11AM and we hung out and talked for a while before heading to the hardware store. I was impressed by how many new items they’d put out over the last seven days, including a neat little 7-in-1 flashlight/screwdriver/laser/pen/ruler/magnifier… I can’t remember what the seventh thing was. It was fun hanging out with FA and just wandering the aisles in the store.

After we were done at the store, we went for lunch at the burrito shop again, and once again the burritos were fantastic. By this time, the wind and snow had picked up and it was getting unpleasant outside.

Once we were done our lunch, we headed back to the house and had another good chat. By this time I was pretty tired and I probably wasn’t the best conversationalist but it was good to hang out.

J got home after a very long drive. Usually it takes her about twenty minutes to get home, but the roads, weather, and visibility were poor so it took her almost an hour and a half. We had supper and talked about our days and then watched some episodes of Community. We’ve just started in on Season 4.

Things are looking up, and I’m really glad about that. This last down I fell into was pretty long and deep but I think I’m almost out of it. It felt good to laugh today, good to talk to J and FA, and as an added bonus, I wasn’t quite as anxious about leaving the house today as I have been lately. The only thing I’m a little worried about is my sleep, because not getting enough can derail anything good I’ve got going but I hope that will clear itself up in the next few days.

I don’t have much in the way of plans for the weekend. I should really get out into the garage and clear the way so J can park the car in there and keep it out of the snow and frost. It’ll probably only take me about half an hour to do, and that would be a good thing to check off my list.

I should probably do something about that toilet, too.

Stay safe.

Getting Better I Think

Song: “Louie Louie” by the Kingsmen

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

I’m not sure what happened but I got almost no sleep last night. I was staring at the walls in the dark, listening to my heart beat. I got up a few times to try and “reset” going back to sleep but it didn’t seem to help. As a result, it was difficult to haul myself out of bed this morning and I’ve been yawning all day. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I watched another episode of Knight Rider today and played around with some electronics, which went pretty well. I wasn’t doing anything in particular – just sifting through the parts and playing a bit with a PIC microcontroller – but it was good to poke around the bench for a while.

My Dr P appointment today went well. It helped a lot that I was feeling better today than I was last week. We’ve moved away from working on my mood and towards setting exposure goals that should help me get more comfortable with being away from the house. One of the things we went over was the SMART technique for setting goals, where S stands for Specific, M stands for Measurable, A stands for Achievable, R stands for Realistic, and T stands for Time-based. It helped me to set up a reasonable goal for this week – walk to the local grocery store three times over the next seven days.

I think I can do that, and I think it’s a lot more practical for me than going to Walmart right now.

Another thing we worked on was how to incorporate mindfulness into more of the things that I do. It turns out that it’s going to be a little easier than I thought for a lot of things. Paying attention to what I’m doing and the things I’m feeling and experiencing in the present is a big part of it. I’ve probably said this before but I have found mindfulness exercises and techniques to be very helpful in a lot of situations.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to get together with FA. We’re not sure what we’re going to do but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is will involve another meal at the burrito restaurant.

Speaking of getting together with FA, I can’t believe the week has gone by so quickly. It seems like only a day or two has gone by since we were last wandering through the hardware store. It’s been three days since WG and I went record shopping. It’s weird how time works.

Stay safe.

Another Day Goes By

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 1

I didn’t sleep all that well again last night. I’d wake up for one reason or another and then have a lot of trouble getting back to sleep. I’m feeling pretty tired again today but that’s fine.

I spent some time playing with electronics stuff today. I’m amazed at how much of it I’ve forgotten. I used to know all of the TTL chips from 7400 to 74245 but I can only remember a few of them now. I also can’t remember how to bias a transistor. The good news is I still have my textbooks and some of my notes from way back when so I can look this stuff up and refresh my memory.

A letter came from the insurance company today. I was too nervous to open it so I waited until J got home and asked her to open it for me. Fortunately, it wasn’t bad news. They’re just changing the way they define a disability from “unable to do your job” to “unable to do any job”. I suppose that makes sense.

My appointment with Dr W went pretty well. He was pleased that I’m feeling a little better than I was last week and we agreed to not make any medication changes this time. I’m guessing that the medication changes we made two weeks ago are kicking in a bit, and we also made some last week that might make a bigger difference in a little while, too.

J made an observation and I think it’s both good and bad. She noticed that I’m getting irritated and frustrated at some things. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal but for the last four years or so I haven’t been able to get angry at anything – I’d just get bummed out about it. I’m not saying I want to be angry but it might be a good sign that I’m getting better, even if I don’t really feel like it.

My parents called again today to check in on me and encourage me to keep busy. I feel terrible saying this but I’m not sure how I feel about all this. One one hand, it’s great to talk to my folks and hang out with them. On the other hand, I don’t really like everybody reminding me that I need to do things. I know I need to keep active but it’s not as simple as saying, “get your butt off the couch and do something”. Some days just getting out of bed seems impossible. I am very grateful that I have such a good support system and people who care about me but some days I just can’t scrape together the motivation, confidence, or energy to do anything.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr P. The last few weeks we’ve been focusing on my mood using mindfulness techniques and it’s worked – I’ve left his office feeling better than when I arrived. I’m not sure what we’re going to work on this week but I’m looking forward to feeling well enough to get back to the ACT work we were doing.

Stay safe.