It Was A Good Weekend

Song: “Manic Monday” by the Bangles

Mood: 7.5

This has been a pretty good weekend. Friday, we hung out and went for dinner with FA and DM and it was a really good time.

Saturday went quite well too. I spent a lot of time thinking about work and what I need to do. I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels but I was able to stay relaxed and didn’t get too stressed out about it like I usually do.

I also spent a bit of time working on the homework that Dr P gave me. It’s interesting – he gave me a handout with different ways to do Cognitive Defusion. Some of them I can tell right away won’t work for me – they feel far too artificial or cheesy, while others seem to fit me a little better I think.

Sunday was another good day. I spent a lot of time working on CD, trying out some of the more promising methods and I think I have at least three that don’t strike me as being silly. I also spent more time thinking about work. It wasn’t too bad but I wish I could go for a couple of days without slogging through the same questions and problems that I don’t have a solution for yet.

In addition to work, I also spent some time worrying about the healthcare changes that are going on around here. J has been keeping an eye on the news – there are triggers for me in the news so I avoid it – and has been keeping me updated on how the healthcare things are changing. In some ways it seems good but even the best plans require change.

This evening, my mother-in-law came over for dinner and to visit for a while. It was very nice to see her again, and J made a really good pasta and meat sauce meal with stew beef that sat and simmered all afternoon. It was great to catch up and have a good chat.

I think that I’m going to try and increase my physical exercise effort a bit this week. We have a decent treadmill in the basement and I’ve been using it but I don’t think I’ve been pushing myself enough. Dr W says that any exercise that gets my heart pumping is very good for my recovery and mood, and I have everything at home that I need to do that.

Stay safe.

Good Friends, Good Food

Song: “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen

Mood: 7.5

Other than one particularly vivid nightmare last night, I think I slept quite well. I got up, had breakfast, did my exercises, and tidied up the house a bit to get ready for FA’s arrival.

She showed up around 2PM and had a very interesting idea for a project. She wants to use an old-style steel pulley from farm equipment for the wheel on her new fence. We found some steel tubing out in the garage that fit closely enough to be an axle, and then we were off to the hardware store to look at bearings and do an aisle crawl.

We found some of the parts that she needed and I think have a plan to move forward. It’s going to involve steel, plasma cutting, welding – all kinds of fun stuff.

Time flew by while we were at the store, and we had to be at the restaurant to meet J and DM at 4:45. We paid for our stuff (I bought a welding respirator and a little bag of candy) and then headed over to the restaurant.

J and DM arrived shortly after and we had a really good conversation while we waited for our food. It was great to hang out with them again and J and I had a very good time. I had the steak and it was delightful; if all steaks were like that, the world would be a better place.

About two hours later, the restaurant started to fill up and I found it more difficult to keep track of the conversation and I could feel my anxiety building. Grounding exercises helped quite a bit and I don’t think I looked too weird. Eventually, the sound got to the point where none of us could really hear so we decided to leave. We’d been there for almost three hours!

Aside from the noise later on, I had a fantastic time and it felt good to be out of the house for a while (if you guys read this, thanks again!). FA and I didn’t walk to the hardware store like we’d planned, but between the heavy steel pulley she brought along and the rainy, cool weather, everything worked out better. I’m sure we’ll walk to the store sometime in the future.

This weekend I need to work on the homework that both Dr W and Dr P gave me. For Dr W, I need to finish writing out my nightmares in as much detail as I can. For Dr P, I need to work on the cognitive defusion techniques that he gave me. I don’t need to learn them all, just pick two or three that I can relate to and concentrate on them.

Stay safe.

Fall Is Definitely Here

Song: “Waterloo” by ABBA

Mood: 6.5

I didn’t sleep all that well last night – one nightmare but I woke up many times – and it took me quite a while to get going this morning. I did my exercises in a haze and fell back asleep during my worry time. That doesn’t happen too often.

I spent some time wandering around the house again but finally sat down and did some more reading from the biology book that J picked up for me. It’s been a pretty good read so far. After that I went into the kitchen and did a little bit of tidying and then watched some more YouTube videos. I didn’t accomplish all that much.

My session with Dr P today went well. He’s been keeping track of what I’ve been doing and saying and he thinks it’s a good idea to move away from the EMDR for a while and concentrate on something called Cognitive Defusion. The idea behind CD (I think) is to treat thoughts almost like items instead of thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I feel bad,” I’m supposed to think, “I’m having thoughts that make me feel bad”. That way, I can deal with the thoughts themselves and distance myself from the emotions that they invoke. It’s an interesting idea and I’m going to spend a lot of time practicing it over the next week. I hope it works – I have a lot of thoughts that I wish I could treat like a mouldy apple and just throw away.

The other day I brought my electric razor upstairs and charged it for the first time in probably a couple of years. Usually I just use a trimmer and call it good enough, but I tend to let my beard go for a while between trimmings. That leads to a more Grizzly Adams-like look than I’d like. I’ve set a goal for myself – every time I shower, I’ll use the razor to keep the stubble on my neck in check. That way, even if I let my beard go crazy, it’ll still look “clean”. Hopefully I’ll stick with it. I have given some thought to getting rid of my beard entirely but for whatever reason, it feels like a part of me.

I’m still trying to decide what to put in my aquarium. I’m still really leaning toward cleaner shrimp but was thinking of getting a couple of neon tetras or maybe even a single betta. I’m also thinking of putting in a couple of different aquarium plants – even though they don’t do much, I still find them interesting, particularly under the microscope.

Heard a lot of geese on their way south today. It was almost 20C cooler than it was on Tuesday, too.

Stay safe.

Wednesday Done

Song: “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC

Mood: 6

I slept pretty well last night, only waking up once because of my nightmares. Had a rough start this morning, though. I’m not sure why but it took until well after 10AM for me to get myself in order enough to start the day.

I slogged through my exercises, both physical and mental, and shuffled around the house trying to find something that captured my interest. I didn’t have a lot of luck. For a good part of the day all I could think about was going back to bed, but I managed to resist that particular urge.

This evening, I did some laundry and forced myself to sit at my electronics bench for a couple of hours. I surprised myself by actually being interested in what I was doing and I think I’ll be spending more time at the bench over the next while. I found one of my notebooks and it looks like I haven’t really done much of this stuff in almost three years. It’s weird to look at your own handwriting and not understand what you’ve written out. Time flies…

J and I are getting together with FA and DM on Friday. We’re going to a steakhouse for dinner. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re going a while before the supper rush so it’ll be easier to have a good conversation and the whole thing will be more relaxed. FA is also coming over earlier so we can go to the hardware store and wander around there for a while, which is always a good time. She suggested we walk – it’ll take about 20-30 minutes but the weather is supposed to change and they’re calling for rain. We’ll see what happens.

Stay safe.

Feels Like A Down Is Coming

Song: “Little Deuce Coupe” by the Beach Boys

Mood: 6

I think I slept reasonably well last night, waking up only once from a nightmare. I hope I’m getting back to the zero-to-one nightmares per night instead of the two-to-three.

I did my exercises early in the morning again when I was still groggy and it doesn’t seem like it helps clear my head any faster. At the very least if I do them earlier then they’re done.

I’ve been feeling like I’m headed for a bit of a dip. My motivation is harder to scrape together and I’m still having trouble focusing on things. I listened to some music, played around with my electronics stuff for a bit, and did some writing.

This evening, J and I watched a few episodes of Community. Man, what a great show – especially the first couple of seasons.

It’s not supposed to be as hot out tomorrow as it was today (34C in September!) so depending on how I feel I may go outside and do some stuff. The garden is pretty much finished, the only thing left to do is take the rest of the potatoes in.

Stay safe.

You Are Not Responsible For What Other People Think

For as long as I can remember, I have always been sensitive about what other people think. It causes me to think a lot before I do or say something, phrase my sentences in a particular way, and check and see if I’ve upset whomever I’m talking to. I’ll also dwell on conversations for years after I’ve had them and worry about whether I could have said something differently – even if there’s no hint that I’ve offended the person I was talking to. I partially blame my OCD for this, and blame the rest on my personality.

While I was in the hospital, quite a few of the group meetings that I went to discussed interacting with others. The therapist would always mention that we aren’t responsible for the thoughts of others. If we’re having a normal, friendly conversation or just going about our business and someone is upset or offended, that’s not our fault.

Of course, if you’re trying to offend or be mean to someone, then it is your fault and you should feel guilty and responsible for what they’re thinking.

Here’s an example that tied me up in knots for days. One evening at the hospital, one of the patients was doing some colouring. I thought that was a great idea and went to get my colouring stuff. I sat at the far end of the row of tables, opened my book, and the other patient sighed loudly, glared at me, and picked up their stuff and left.

I was at a loss. What did I do to offend the other patient? I didn’t sit nearby, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even walk by. I started to worry that I was missing something, and I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out what I’d done wrong.

Finally, once I’d got myself all wound up, I sat down and had a chat with my nurse about it. She listened to my story and then very slowly said, “Mark, you are in a psych ward. There are very sick people here and some of them are actually paranoid. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She was right, of course. Even so, I felt guilty about how things went and felt like I had to apologize to the other patient. So I did.

I won’t get into details but suffice it to say that it did not go well and I learned a valuable lesson.

The concept was difficult for me to accept but I have been trying hard to work on it. If I’m having a normal conversation with someone, I can just talk to them – I don’t have to feel like I’m walking a tightrope. We’re grownups here, we can talk openly and go about our business, and if we try to analyze every single action or aspect of a conversation all the time, that in itself can lead to problems. I think I’ve irritated a lot more people by saying “sorry” to them repeatedly or asking if they were okay, than I have by just talking to them.

Stay safe.

Not Bad For A Monday

Song: “Hotel California” by the Eagles

Mood: 7

I only woke up from one nightmare last night, and the rest of my sleep was quite good.

I thought I’d try something different today and moved my physical exercises to earlier in the morning to see if moving around would help clear the grogginess faster. I don’t think it made much of a difference but I’m going to try it again tomorrow. Aside from feeling groggy, the only real downside is that it takes a LOT more effort to exercise at that time.

My mindfulness and worry exercises were a little more difficult today than usual, too. I think I feel a slump coming, probably because the summer is almost over and – as always – I don’t like being reminded that time is passing much more quickly than I’d like. I remember thinking in the spring that I was going to take some courses in the fall… and now it’s too late. Probably just as well.

I tried to do some writing today but I couldn’t get myself together enough to focus well. Same thing with reading.

I played some Borderlands and enjoyed that, and watched a couple of YouTube videos featuring things being squished by a hydraulic press.

Other than that, I’m not sure where the day went.

On the upside, it sounds like J and I are going to get together with FA and DM on Friday. We are both looking forward to it!

Stay safe.

And The Weekend Comes To A Close

Song: “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band

Mood: 8

I didn’t sleep very well this weekend. On Friday evening, I had a piece of Nanaimo bar in the evening well after supper and couldn’t get to sleep until about 4:30AM. I had noticed a possible correlation between having sweets later in the evening and not being able to sleep a few times before, but I think this cements it for me. No more late snacks – especially sweet ones.

So Saturday was a little rough. I felt hungover and groggy almost all day. On Saturday night I didn’t get to sleep until about 1:30AM but I think that was more because the house feels a lot different when J is away.

Today I feel a lot better but had to fight through the grogginess from when I got up until it lifted at about 10AM. That’s more in line with a regular morning for me.

This weekend I played a lot of Borderlands and watched a lot of Community. I’ve got some laundry in the wash right now so I can say I accomplished something important this weekend, but for the most part I was relaxing and enjoying it.

J got home late this afternoon. It sure is good to have her back home – I missed her a lot. She had a good time with her parents and got a lot of stuff done there, too.

J has been in contact with FA and it sounds like we’re going to be getting together this coming Friday. I’m looking forward to it. We’re not sure what we’re going to do yet but there’s plenty of time to figure it out.

This week I have an appointment with Dr P. I am both dreading and looking forward to our next EMDR session. It definitely feels like it’s doing something, but we’re working on something that I find difficult to talk about.

I also got a lot more done on the homework Dr W gave me.

I might get together with WG tomorrow to go record shopping, too. He’s pretty busy, though, so I’m not entirely sure. It would be good to hang out with him again.

Stay safe.

It’s Friday Again

Song: “BC” by Sparks

Mood: 7.5

I slept quite a bit better last night, only waking up once from a nightmare that I can recall.

Today has been a decent day. I did some writing and played a lot of Borderlands. It’s a great game but takes some patience, though – I find some of the boss battles are tough. The Claptrap robots are really quite amusing.

I did a lot more thinking about how I can better push back my safe zone boundaries later this afternoon but I think I need to talk to Dr P and Dr W about it. Dr W also gave me some homework to do to help with my nightmares and I’ve started in on that. He told me to write out my nightmares in every detail and then read them over and over, with the idea being that I’ll desensitize myself to them and they won’t frighten me as much anymore. Dr C and I did something similar quite a while ago and it made a big difference back then but lately the nightmares have been getting worse.

This evening I went out for some groceries and then binge-watched some 1st season episodes of Community. There’s so much in every scene of that show that I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of watching it. Just this evening I noticed that Abed has an Atari VCS box in his room. Never noticed that before.

J headed out of town to her parents’ place right after work and got there safely. We just had a quick phone chat and everybody over there is doing well. It was good to talk to her – I miss her already.

As an aside, this is my 200th post. A hundred posts ago, I had just been re-admitted to the hospital. Two hundred posts ago, I had just been released from a previous stint in the psych ward. I have found that writing this blog has been a very good outlet for me – a good way to jot down some of my experiences and ideas and keep a journal. I’ll be greedy and say that I’m doing this for me, but if anyone else out there has found something useful here, I’ll be very happy!

Stay safe.

Pushing Back The Boundaries

Let me just put this out here: I am most comfortable when I am sitting at home, in the basement, and listening to music. I can’t hear the outside world, and if I’m all the more comfortable for it. Sometimes the phone will ring and I will stare at it until either it stops ringing or I manage to answer it, but for the most part, sitting downstairs and listening to music is when I’m most comfortable.

The problem is, the outside world exists. I can turn up the music or wear headphones but the reality is there’s a real world out there and I need to be a part of it.

I’ve been having trouble driving for a year and a half now. I am limited to driving in about a 5km radius around the house. It was even worse when I started driving again but I’m getting a little frustrated now because things have obviously plateaued and I’m having a lot of trouble expanding my zone of comfort. I managed to ride the bike around the city, but I’ve always been more comfortable on the bike than in a car, and part of the bike ride was very unpleasant anyway. I really appreciate her help, but I feel guilty that J has to drive me to my Dr W appointment every week because it’s too far away.

I need to figure out how to drive more comfortably and without risking a panic attack if I go too far, and I need to figure out how to calm down my OCD while I’m driving. Changing lanes is very difficult because I turn to look and make sure my blind spot is clear but as soon as I look forward again I don’t believe it’s clear and I’m going to cause an accident. Even when I’m driving a straight line in very light traffic, I get worried that I’ve run a red light or caused an accident because there are no other cars around me.

I also need to get out of the house more. Both Dr W and Dr C have told me many times that getting out – even for something like a short walk or drive – is very beneficial. It can be really difficult for me to do, though. Some days it takes so much effort to get out of bed that there’s no way I’m going to be able to go outside. Even on easier days, I would much rather stay home than go out. I worry about the house – did I leave the stove on? Are the doors locked? Are the windows closed? Is the hot water tank leaking? Is the garage door closed? I worry about missing an important phone call. I worry about missing an appointment if I have one that day.

My anxiety and OCD keep me catastrophizing about every little thing, and my depression makes me want to not even try. It’s a one-two punch that is really difficult for me to work through. I really need to make some headway here, though, because I feel like I’m weighing J down when it comes to things like holidays and when she takes time off. I also feel terrible for making our parents come into town last Christmas instead of us driving out there. It was the first time in 20 years that that’s happened and I would really like to not have to do it that way again. I was also invited by my uncle and cousin to go out East and hang out with them for a while, but again, I can’t do it. I don’t want people thinking that I’m trying to avoid them, it’s just so difficult to get out of the house, and leaving it for a couple of days is pretty much unthinkable at this point.

Even something like cooking food is difficult for me. Easy things like cereal and pasta are no problem, but throw in something like produce or meat and I start to have problems. When I’m opening a salad kit, all I can think of is whether it’s dirty or if there’s been another vegetable recall because of e.coli or something, and when I’m cooking meat, I have a lot of trouble believing it’s done. I’ll use a thermometer to confirm but that’s not good enough to calm my anxiety so I very frequently ask J if she can take a look at it before we call it cooked.

I’ve got to start answering the phone more. It’s such a basic thing but I find it so difficult to do. Even when it’s my parents on the caller ID, I have trouble answering. I get so wound up that work is trying to call me in or the insurance company is calling to cancel my coverage that I can actually start to sweat while the phone is ringing. Even with my parents calling, I worry that somehow work or the insurance company has called them and asked them to call me on their behalf. I know this is irrational and there’s no way it would happen, but I just can’t get it out of my head.

There are so many aspects of my life that I feel like I have little to no control over, and everything is just so much better if I stay in my safe space. I need to fix this.

Two appointments ago, Dr W and I were talking about safe zones and making progress in pushing the boundaries of the safe zone outward. I’ve always seen my safe zone as a little circle with danger and discomfort around it, and when I got more comfortable with one thing, the whole circle got a little bigger. One of my problems is I tend to see the big picture and don’t think about the little pieces. I have to start considering every aspect of my life that my illness has affected as individual things instead of one large problem to solve. That way, I can work on them one at a time and push the safe zone outward like an amoeba’s pseudopods instead of like a circle:When I think of it this way, it also makes it easier to tell which problems I’m making headway on and which still have a long way to go.

As with everything, some things will be easier to work on than others, but expanding my boundaries is a huge part of my recovery. I will have to keep talking with Dr W and Dr P, too – they should have some useful techniques for me to use to help keep my focus.

Stay safe.