Amazing What A Day Can Do

I slept really well last night. Almost slept through breakfast and then went back to bed and almost slept through lunch. I’ve been trying to keep active this afternoon and evening and went to group in the afternoon. After group, I played some crib with another resident and then walked around the ward.

I had a very good chat with my nurse early this afternoon and my appointment with Dr W went very well. I feel so much better today than I did yesterday, and around four million times better than how I felt Wednesday. In some ways, I almost feel guilty being here right now but Dr W said I needed to be here and we’re doing medication adjustments too.

Just after supper, J and I had a video chat, which was really great. It’s not as good as being in the same room but it does do a lot to make me feel like I’m not as far away from home.

This evening I think I’m going to head to bed early again and hopefully have another good sleep. If I’m lucky, tomorrow will be an even better day!

Stay safe!

100th Post…

… and I’m back in the hospital. I’ve been crashing for a little while now and yesterday at my Dr W appointment we made the decision that I would be safer in the hospital while we adjust my medications.

Yesterday was very rough. Today was a lot better – J and my parents stopped by to visit in the afternoon and it sure was nice to see them.

I’ve had to bail on FA again, which I feel pretty bad about but she says she has picked up a cold so she’d be spending a lot of time coughing anyway.

I have no idea how long I’m going to be here for. Hopefully not long – summer is just around the corner and I really don’t want to spend it all in here.

Stay safe!

I Just Want To Stay In Bed

Sorry I didn’t post anything last night, I just couldn’t scrape together the oomph to do it. Today was similar – I spent almost my whole day in bed – but this evening J hauled me out to the garage and we got a bunch of stuff accomplished. For me, the big thing is that the motorcycle is finally back together and running. I even sat on it and got it to drag my fat butt a few feet. The sidestand safety switch is acting up, but a couple of whacks with a wrench got it behaving again.

WG called yesterday morning and asked if I wanted to go record shopping. I had to say no because I couldn’t get out of bed. Then I was staring at the wall, feeling guilty. WG is a very good friend and, just like FA, I hate it when I can’t get my butt out of bed to get together with them and have a good time. I’m supposed to get together with FA on Friday and I really don’t want to cancel on her yet again. My parents are coming in on Thursday and J and I are looking forward to seeing them but I need to get out of bed.

I have my Dr C and Dr W appointments tomorrow. There’s a lot of stuff going on in my head that I’m both looking forward to and dreading telling them. I don’t know why I’m feeling so down and tired but I really hope there’s a solution for it. I’m starting to get worried about my own safety again. J and I had a really good chat about it yesterday – I spent the conversation holding onto her like a drowning man clutching a tree branch – and she cleared up some of my misconceptions as to what things would be like if I weren’t around anymore. It was a very difficult conversation.

Other than that, not much is going on. I’m spending around 18 hours a day in bed now, getting out only when J gets home or I need to take my pills or use the washroom. I really, really, really need something to change so I can do things that make me happy and help me along with my recovery. Just writing this stuff takes a lot out of me right now. I need something to change.

Stay safe.

Another Weekend Over

I accomplished very little this weekend and am still exhausted. I did get outside today and helped J with the garden – while I was asleep she took the truck to the store and picked up a whole bunch of dirt. It was really good of her to do that since I certainly wasn’t up to it.

I think I feel a little better than I did a few days ago. My skin isn’t as crawly as it was and I’m not sweating quite as much, but I still don’t feel good. I hope that my appointment with Dr W this week will have a way forward.

Tomorrow if I can get out of bed I’m going to put the plants in the garden, although I may wait until J gets home so we can do it together. I’m looking forward to having a little garden, I’m not much of a vegetable person but J is and I think a garden will be a good hobby and a good way to pass the time this summer.

It’s really quite early but all I can think of is going to bed so I’m going to head that way shortly.

Stay safe!

Still Down

I accomplished next to nothing today. I spent most of the day in bed or on the couch, praying that the hours would pass quickly. I felt terrible for cancelling on FA, and terrible because I just can’t do anything.

I really hope tomorrow is a better day.

Stay safe.

Not Feeling Very Well

I’m sitting around a four. Maybe a three and a half. I didn’t sleep well again last night – I kept waking up with my mind racing. Managed to get out for a haircut but spent most of the rest of the day in bed not accomplishing anything. Texted FA and said I couldn’t get together with her again, and I feel terrible about that.

I also feel unwell. My skin is all prickly, I’m sweating for no reason, I feel hot and cold at the same time, I want to curl up into a little ball… I just feel bad.

J and I had supper and watched some Community but I think I’m going to head to bed really early and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Stay safe.

Not So Great

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I got up with J when she was getting ready for work, had breakfast, and went back to bed. Again, I had trouble falling back asleep. After a while I got up and wandered around a bit, then went back to bed and slept for a while.

My Dr W appointment went pretty well. I’m now on a lower lorazepam and quetiapine dosage at bed time – 1mg (down from 2) and 300mg (down from 450), respectively. Being able to lower my medications makes me happy and helps remind me that I’m getting better.

This evening, though, wasn’t so great. We went to Home Depot to pick up some boards and chicken wire to build the garden and there was just so much noise it really unsettled me and caused me to start panicking. The forklift, in particular, spent almost all of our time there with the reverse beepers going and the driver honking the horn every two seconds. It was so close and so loud, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. J offered to go home then but we were so close to getting everything we needed that I decided to tough it out.

So now I’m feeling pretty rough. Somewhere around a four and a half. I hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

Stay safe!

Not Too Bad

Today has gone along pretty well, I think. I’m still yawning all the time and feel like I just want to go back to bed but other than that things are pretty good.

I forgot to take my medication this morning. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever done that. It’s weird that I forgot, too – I have one of those pill organizers that’s broken up into morning, afternoon, evening, and bedtime for each day of the week and it sits on the dining room table right in front of me when I sit down for breakfast. I must’ve moved it out of the way. I realized that I’d forgotten to take them at supper and then took the venlafaxine but left the rest out.

As I’m typing this, I think that may have been a mistake. I can feel myself waking up and becoming more alert – not something I want as the day comes to a close. I don’t know if it’s real or psychosomatic but I really don’t want to be up all night so I just took my evening medication and hopefully the quetiapine and zopiclone will still help me sleep.

Okay, so other than that, things are pretty good. My appointment with Dr C went well this morning. We finished going over the EMDR prep and will get into it next week. I’m both looking forward to it and kind of dreading it at the same time. I hope it goes well.

When I got home, I took a nap and then went downstairs to putter for a while. I didn’t accomplish all that much but it felt good to be moving around. I still amaze myself with how much electronics stuff I’ve forgotten. It’ll be fun to get back into it I think.

J got home from work at the usual time and we had a good chat before we went to make supper. Since it’s been so hot out we’ve been trying to keep from using the oven or boiling lots of water so we made what I call Beefy Browns. Basically, you fry up some of those little cubed hash brown potatoes, throw in some mushrooms, some onion powder, some shredded cheese, some hot sauce, and then enough beef broth to get all the hash browns wet. They soak up the broth quite quickly and once that happens, they’re done. Are they good for you? Probably not. They’re easy to make, though, and everything is done in one pan.

While I was puttering in the laboratory last night I came across a picture from 2001 where J and I were at a Christmas Dinner and it’s obvious we’re enjoying ourselves. Since I usually end up in the kitchen or dining room when I’m in rough shape, I put the picture on the fridge so it’s easy to see and I don’t have to go looking for it.

I haven’t finished putting the motorcycle back together yet because it’s too hot out and I’m fat. Once the daytime temperature is back down around the 22C mark I’ll head out and do it. I know I keep saying it, too, but I really want to do some welding. Just a lot of practice beads to start out but then I want to build a cabinet. Don’t ask me why, it’s just something that’s been on my list for a long time.

But yeah, I’m probably sitting around a seven or so. Not too bad.

Stay safe!


This is probably going to be a short post as I’m dragging my butt right now. It was a good day, though.

I got together with WG this morning and we went to the record store and then a nearby second-hand store to take a look at their record selection. It was great to hang out with WG today but I don’t know how much fun I was – I was pretty tired.

When I got home I listened to a couple of records and then took a nap in front of the record player. It wasn’t a particularly good nap – I find that without my CPAP machine I really don’t sleep well. After that I gave my folks a call and had a grest chat with both of my parents.

Once I was off the phone, I felt pretty lonely. I sat around the house for a bit and then decided to force myself to do something. Off to the basement laboratory I went, intent on cleaning off my workbench and getting it in order to do some tinkering in electronics.

J got home a little while later (it was so good to see her!) and we talked for a bit before having a delightful chicken Caesar salad for supper and then we both went back downstairs and did some more cleaning.

Determined to accomplish something electronic-y, I fired up my little computer, grabbed a breadboard, and got a PIC to blink a single light on and off once per second. It was nice to see that it didn’t take me too long to remember how to do that, but I think I’ve lost a LOT of the electronics knowledge I used to have because I didn’t use it for quite some time.

But… the outside is hot and the basement is cool. Something tells me I’ll be spending a lot more time at my electronics bench.

Stay safe!

Tales From The Ward, Part III: Hospital Food

When I’ve been in the hospital, it’s been because there’s something wrong with me, not because I’m itching to try hospital cuisine. I’m a meat and potato guy. Over the years I have expanded my vegetable repertoire to include beans, peas, carrots, spinach, peppers, corn… the really common stuff. I’m not a fan of anything fancy like kohlrabi or bok choy.

I also can’t stand seafood. I’m not allergic to it or anything, I just really can’t stand the texture and taste. My mother always tells me that I can’t complain about something if I haven’t tried it, so I’ve tried a LOT of different kinds of seafood and really can’t stand it. Canned flaked tuna is about as far as I can go.

That being said, when I was in the hospital for mental illness the first time, I decided I would just stick with the regular hospital menu and tough out the meals I didn’t like. Who knows – maybe I’d find something different that I enjoyed. For the most part, meals were good, pretty tasty, and left me content. Then, there were the occasional fish meals that I was able to choke down (particularly the haddock) but a lot of them I just couldn’t eat. Normally that was okay because the side and dessert were enough to keep me going.

Then, one fateful day, I got this:

Fish Cakes and Brussels Sprouts

I stared at the menu, then my plate, then the menu again… then went to the nursing station to ask to be put on a “no fish” menu.

Stay safe!