SSZ Weird Weekend Post

Song: “Buttons And Bows” by Dinah Shore

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Several

So aside from a bit of flop sweat, some stammering, and having to fight the urge to bolt outside, I am pretty comfortable saying that yesterday’s expedition to the hardware store that FA and I went on was a success. I really wasn’t sure how it was going to go but I’m glad that we went to the store first and then had burritos later. I even have proof that I went to the hardware store. I am reluctant to use the word “selfie” but I wanted to have some kind of proof to show Dr C and Dr W at our next appointments:

Me At The Hardware Store

Life is tough when you’re this handsome…

One of the things that we found yesterday was a neat little flashlight/wall switch thing. I’ve always been a fan of flashlights (you can never have too many, and some are better for some jobs than others), and I was looking for a flashlight with some bright LEDs in it I could harvest to light some lithophane frames I’m making. We looked at a couple of flashlights that were a little underwhelming before we came across these:

Really Bright Cheap Light Switch ThingThey looked pretty cheesy but when one of us flipped the switch, we were both gobsmacked at how much light the thing put out:

Really Cheap But SUPER BRIGHT!Since they seemed to be a pretty good deal (I priced the parts out and making one of them would’ve cost at least 15 bucks, while these were selling for $3.99 AND most of them came with batteries installed), I thought some other people might be able to use them so I sent out some texts to family and friends and got quite an excited response from most people. So…

You’re not going to believe this…

J and I went out to the hardware store this morning and bought every one of those lights they had. We were in there quick (and I took some PRNs before we left), and after we were done there we went to the library (I stayed in the car). Then we went to the water store (I went in and carried the bottle out), and then we went to the bank (the drive-thru ATM), and then to the grocery store (I stayed in the car).

Then we went home. It was a huge relief to get back but I was doing okay. That’s two outings in two days that weren’t mandatory appointments, and I MADE IT!!!

I really, REALLY hope that this is a sign of things to come. I’m going to try to avoid getting too excited about it because there are always downs and I don’t want it to feel like the end of the world for me, but I’m feeling encouraged by this.

As an added bonus, I went downstairs this afternoon and sat in the room with the printer. I did some grounding and some deep-breathing exercises, and then I got to work trying to convince myself that I used to be good at electronics and some of it must be in there somewhere. I tried to keep the self-doubt back and the end result is I can now turn my printer on and off by connecting to the print server. This is something I’ve wanted to be able to do since the first week I had it – powering up the printer and getting it ready to print takes 10-15 minutes, and being able to do it from a warm seat on the upstairs couch while covered with a blanket is really nice. Plus, the less air disturbance around the printer, the better. PLUS PLUS, having electronics control the 120V power to the printer means that there will be more features I can put in later, like adding a heat sensor or smoke detector that will cut power to the printer if it detects something bad going on. But that’s stuff for another day.

Thank you so much to everyone who has helped me, supported me, had my back, believed in me, cared about me, made me laugh, made me think, and has stuck around despite me literally and clinically going crazy. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here without you, and I certainly wouldn’t have just bought 35 light switch things from the hardware store. Thank you all so much – I wish I knew something better to say but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

I have no idea what tomorrow holds but today is going pretty well.

Stay safe.

Big Accomplishment Today

Song: “You Think You’re A Man” by Divine

Mood: 7

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Just a short post here – I will write again tomorrow and go more into things, but get this – I went to the hardware store with FA this afternoon, and we were out for TWO HOURS! My PRNs had worn off near the end so the last while was getting rough and the flop sweat was going, but I didn’t freak out and the cashier was able to understand everything I was saying.

I had a great time with FA, we did an aisle crawl, got some of the stuff on my shopping list, and found a bunch of other neat things. Then we went to the burrito shop and then back to my place to eat and have another one of our typically fascinating and enjoyable chats.

It was so good to hang out with FA again, and I am really happy we were able to wander around the store we used to always go to. I am pleased.

Thanks again FA for being a great friend and someone I know who can tolerate my odd way of thinking about things.

More tomorrow – walking around and thinking so much today has left me pretty exhausted.

Stay safe.

Three In A Row

Song: N/A

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

I slept pretty well again last night. Woke up three times that I can remember but after quickly checking the garage door and stove pictures I was able to put it behind me and go back to sleep. I even woke up a little later than usual, which was a nice (and pretty groggy) surprise.

I didn’t get as much stuff done today because I kept getting chasing ghosts and had trouble setting priorities. I kept flitting back and forth between things, with the end result being that I mostly spun my tires and accomplished very little. Today was the second day since I turned it on (December 7th) that the printer wasn’t running. I haven’t run out of projects – far from it. I just had an appointment this afternoon and I’m not entirely comfortable leaving everything running when there’s nobody home. I’ve let it run overnight a few times and that’s been okay, but we have a smoke detector and extinguisher in the room with the printer just in case.

My sister called and we had a good chat. They got an awful lot of snow over the past two days so it’s pretty much a snow day everywhere where they live. Kids didn’t get to school, grownups didn’t go to work, so everyone was home. Fortunately, despite the weather, my mom got out there safe and sound and will now be out there for the next few weeks.

My Dr W appointment today was in some ways better than normal and in others worse. Dr W was in a good mood and laughed several times while we were talking, and apparently when J went in to chat about some of the insurance stuff, they had another good laugh. That’s good. Dr W wants to make sure I’m not forgetting to do the ERP stuff; fortunately, I haven’t.

Texted again with FA today and I think we are good to try the hardware store trip on Friday. While J and I drove by it on the way to my appointment this afternoon, I noticed that there was a sign saying it’s still open during construction. That’s got me a little antsy, but FA had a good point – there may be more deals! I found my gift card and wrote out my list of stuff to look for, and everything else will fall into place on Friday. Just need to hammer out the last few details, like does she want to go to the store right when she arrives or does she want to come in and chat for a bit first? I guess we’ll see…

Ok, I just fell asleep for 30 minutes at the table so I think I need to call it a night. Sorry for the short post!

Sty safe.

Got Some More Stuff Done Today

Song: “Waterloo” by ABBA

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

I think I slept pretty well last night. I remember waking up twice worrying that the front door was unlocked, but I was able to force myself to put it aside after squinting at my phone and taking a look at my nightly round of pictures. I’m still not sure if going through the house and taking pictures of things right before I go to bed is healthy, but it still seems to be helping.

I kept moving around again today and got quite a bit of stuff done. I sent a donation to the developer of OctoPrint (actually, I did that last night), got a bunch of printing stuff done and some new parts designed, ordered some new filament, and re-measured the towel fabric I have left so I can try to plan it out so as to get as much out of the material as possible.

I worked on the kitchen again today. There are only two of us here (Lloyd doesn’t count), and I have no idea how so many dishes and plastic containers get so dirty so fast. Nevertheless, it happened, so the dishwasher got another workout today.

I texted with FA today and she asked if I tentatively wanted to get together on Friday to hang out. She specifically mentioned playing some Carcassonne, too. I think that it would be great to get together – I haven’t seen her for a while now and it’s always fun to hang around with her. PLUS, I suggested to her that maybe we could try going to the hardware store. It’s been over a year since I’ve been there, and with the progress I’ve been making about being outside the house or not being able to see the front door, I think I should be able to last in the hardware store for at least a little bit if the conditions are good. Plus, I have a gift card or two and a short list of things I’d like to try and get. It would be really nice if this all works out – I have missed doing the aisle crawls through the store with FA, looking at some of the weirdest stuff and try to figure out what it is.

And if that works, it might give me the confidence boost I need to get out of the house with J or by myself a little more, which could help build my confidence, etc, etc. Fingers crossed that it goes well – I would love to go to the store or a restaurant with J sometime soon! And I’d like to get to the fabric store with DM or my mother-in-law… or get back to the record store with WG! That would all be fantastic.

Still, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself – if I’m not careful I’ll just get myself all bummed out again. But it doesn’t hurt to dream a little bit…

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr W. It’s been three weeks since I saw him last – I wonder if the floor he’s on or his office has been given a coat of paint or at least something to cover the anchors in the wall where the whiteboard used to go. I don’t want to go but having it once every three weeks instead of every week is quite nice.

And again, I have more stuff to talk about but the medications have kicked in and I’m having trouble making both of my eyes point in the same direction. So I should get going. I should really start these posts earlier.

Stay safe.

Keeping Busy Again

Song: “Skyliner” by Charlie Barnet

Mood: 6

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

So the last two weeks haven’t been all that great. I don’t know what caused it or what changed or whatever, but I’m feeling a fair bit better. For a while there I couldn’t muster enough confidence or motivation to do much of anything and it knowing that I was spending most of my time on the couch (upstairs, not downstairs) made me feel even worse. But – again, for whatever reason, things seem to be looking up over the last few days.

As a result, I’ve been getting back to puttering around the house and actually accomplishing some things. The great thing about that is that accomplishing something makes me feel good, which helps me stay off my butt and accomplish something else, and so on.

Today I had an appointment with Dr C – my first in a couple of weeks. J’s aunt was kind enough to drive me to and from the appointment, which I really, really appreciate. It was so much easier to ride with her than catch a cab. The taxi usually shows up early and I’ve asked and been told a couple of times now that if they arrive and I pick up the automated call, they will wait about five minutes before cancelling the call and heading out to the next one. If I don’t pick up the automated call, they will wait two minutes before leaving. J’s aunt, however, told me not to worry and she wasn’t going to take off without me. That was really great, and the conversation was good. I also gave her a little dinosaur figure I’d printed up the night before and she really liked it. She’s a really nice lady.

Anyway, the appointment… since I wanted to try and hold a conversation with J’s aunt and pay more attention during my session, I took some PRNs before I headed out. Between that and not needing to worry whether the car had left made it a lot easier for me when I got to my appointment, so it went not too badly. We’re still working on the exposure aspect but the main theme of this session was the cost versus benefit of the things that I do when I’m chasing ghosts or agonizing about things when I’m away from the house. Here’s the thing, though – I completely understand and agree with the idea that me sitting on the basement floor for half an hour, waiting for the hot water tank to go through an entire heating cycle, is ridiculous. I get that, I really do. What I get stuck on, though, is how could I forgive myself or live with myself if I missed or intentionally skipped something and something horrible happened?

The garage door is visible through one of the kitchen windows, and almost every time I’m in the kitchen, I’ll take a quick peek. It literally (and I’m using “literally” properly here) takes two seconds, so why wouldn’t I look? It’s pretty much zero time investment and the resulting awareness I think is worth it. At what point is the line supposed to be drawn, though? If two seconds is okay, is 30? What about two minutes? Half an hour? Or is two seconds even too much?

I’m wandering a bit here, sorry. Long story short, the appointment went better than usual, most likely due to the PRNs and the fact that a friendly and happy person gave me a ride with no questions asked.

I’ve been printing up a storm lately, too. I’ve made the aforementioned dinosaur, some other dinosaurs (for my nephews), some lithophanes (for my nephews), a toilet paper stand (for my parents), some art stencils (for J), some silicone sealant caps (for me), and a whole bunch of other stuff. I’m very pleased with the printer and have been enjoying learning how to design things and seeing how they turn out.

I’m doing more sewing, too. I finished off the last of the batch that I got from J’s aunt, and started in on my last big length of towel material. I think when this five yards is done and turned into towels, I’m going to have enough to be worthwhile to donate.

I’ve also been taking advantage of the Netflix services and have watched several movies and shows both by myself and with J. I’ll do a little writeup soon listing the gems (and turds) that I’ve found.

I have an enormous amount more that I want to write this evening but it’s getting quite late and it’s only Monday. Take care everyone and I will do my best to get back to writing more regularly like I used to.

Stay safe.

Appointments Done

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Got through that appointment today. Lots of thanks to J and J’s aunt. Couldn’t have done it without their help.

Still feeling anxious and down. Feeling a little better than I have been but still not great. The weekend is almost here, though, so hopefully that’ll help.

Not much else going on.

Stay safe.

Still Here

Song: N/A

Mood: 5.5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

Quick post just to say I’m still here and still posting. This past week or so has been kind of crappy in some ways. I’m feeling pretty down and anxious at the same time. A lot of my usual tricks aren’t working very well and I’m having a lot of trouble convincing myself to start doing something because I can’t convince myself I will actually be able to do it.

Didn’t get to my Dr C appointment today. I am very fortunate to have an understanding and helpful therapist.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy during the days.

I’ll post more when I’m feeling a little better or in a few days, whatever comes first.

Stay safe.

It Wasn’t A Good Day

Song: N/A

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Horde

This is going to be a short post – I don’t feel like writing and I don’t want to spend an hour and a half staring at a screen and getting nowhere again.

Today wasn’t great. I spent most of it steeping in self-doubt and being unable to haul myself off the couch except to worry around the house, chasing the stupid ghosts and sitting in front of the furnace and hot water tank. I sent out my texts then fiddled around with some 3D design stuff and then went back to the couch. I watched part of some crappy movie on Netflix (no shortage of those, it seems).

The replacement part for the printer arrived. I couldn’t gather up enough enthusiasm or confidence to do the swap. Fortunately, it still works with the broken part.

My folks called this afternoon. It was good to hear from them.

At some point later in the afternoon I wandered over to the sewing machine and got another towel

[Something just made a big %&*@$# boom. I think it was the roof, may have been the deck. I can’t find anything wrong inside and it didn’t wake J up. It’s very cold out tonight and the house always makes noises when it gets really cold. ALWAYS, even since the first winter after we moved in, and everything has always been ok. The deck might be leaning against the house a bit but that shouldn’t be a problem and there’s nothign I’m going to be able to do about it at 1AM on a bitter winter night. It’s a normal sound, just something shifting slightly in the cold. The house is 50 years old, it’s bound to make some sounds. I don’t think it came from inside, everything looks okay – the pipes aren’t frozen and everything looks normal and where it’s suppose do oto be. The fireplace is running too and the fan is circulating the heat in the basement so that’s working properly. Even if the furnace dies, the fireplace should be able to keep the house from getting too cold before morning. While I typed that laest sentence, the furnace fired up normally and seems to be working fine. I will do another wander around in a oucple of minutes to make sure things are ok]

I got another towel done. It wasn’t much but it was better than nothing I suppose. I’m now out of green fabric, moving on to blue next.

Spent most of the evening downstairs, accomplishing very little.

Tomorrow’s another day.

Stay safe.

Feeling Pretty Wrung Out

Song: “Walter Walter (Lead Me to the Altar)” by Gracie Fields

Mood: 5

Nightmares: 0

Ghosts: Lots

Today was not a particularly great day. Part of it was because I finally got something off my plate that’s been really bothering me for a while now. That will be a good thing in the end but doing it wasn’t simple or easy. I had an appointment with Dr C this afternoon – those are always tough. The cab arrived ten minutes early so I had to rush out the door, I was out and about for twice the amount of time that I had planned, and when I finally got home there was a letter from the insurance company in the mailbox.

So today managed to push a lot of the wrong buttons.

After I got home, I should’ve gone out and cleared the driveway but instead I put on some loud music, sat on the couch (upstairs) and tried to both calm myself down and cheer myself up. Didn’t have much luck, and despite turning the music up several times, I still couldn’t keep from trying to track stuff down. The air was cold today but the sun felt quite warm, and the house was making all kinds of noises.

I was really glad when J got home. We had supper, hung out for a while, and then watched an episode of Sherlock. I still don’t know where I sit with that show. Oh, and the letter from the insurance company was a cheque for backpay, so now I feel like a dumbass for worrying about it so much.

Well, this so far is the result of 105 minutes of typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I should probably quit while I’m only somewhat behind. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Stay safe.